This is the story of how my innocent backpacking trip through Beijing, China resulted in the Chinese government locking me in a sealed room for 7 days with only German magazines and Chinese music television for company.
Two years ago, I was a law student studying abroad in Tokyo, which you may remember was the height of the swine flu epidemic. Or H1N1 epidemic, if we're going to be politically correct towards pigs. I had backpacked through most of Japan in the weeks leading up to my study abroad program, so when I realized I would have 4 days off towards the end of the program, I impulsively decided to take a quick weekend trip to China to see the Great Wall. I figured I would only be back in time for finals. Little did I know the Chinese government had other plans.
I arrived in Beijing on Thursday night, where several medical airport personnel wearing masks and gloves. came on board to check everyone's temperature. Like I said, this was the peak of swine flu paranoia in Asia.
Anyway, a teenage girl 4 rows back from my seat had a fever. As she was a teenager, her fever was probably just the result of her rampant teenage hormones, but nonetheless, the medical officials decided she was a threat. Everyone in the three rows surrounding her were kept on the plane with the girl and I'm assuming they were quarantined immediately.
As I was in the fourth row, I escaped this level of the quarantine round up. Briefly. Everyone who was allowed to leave the plane had to fill out an info card giving their address while Beijing, in case this girl actually had swine flu and not just a harmless fever.
During this process, the woman in front of me was freaking out and kept saying that she didn't want swine flu. Which might be why she wore a mask and gloves for the entire flight. And congratulations to those who have figured this out, because this paranoid woman wearing the completely ineffectual mask was the one who actually ended up having swine flu. She didn't have a fever when we landed, so she was able to spend a few days Typhoid Mary-ing it up in Beijing.
Anyway . . .
I filled out my information card, leave the airport and head to my hostel, where the bathroom is communal and co-ed and the toilets are literally holes in the ground. But they're porcelain holes, which I don't understand. If you're gonna take the time to lay the porcelain, why not just build the toilet? The shower heads were placed directly over these toilet-holes, so you had to straddle the hole while washing your hair. And, yes, I did fall in the hole. But only once and there was no pee in it. I hope.
The next day, I climbed the 1000 steps to reach the Great Wall. I chose not to take the cable car to the top because I assumed the steps were ancient and part of the experience. But no, these steps were built in the 60s to convince tourists to lay off the fried rice. After gasping my way to the steepest part of the Wall, I took the German-built tobaggan to the bottom. Swear to God, there is a slide on the Great Wall. I spent the rest of Friday walking around Beijing and going to a kung-fu show.
On Saturday, I went to Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden Palace, the Temple of Heaven, the Summer Palace (where I rode a boat shaped like a dragon), a tea ceremony, a silk shop, a jade shop, a Cloysionne factory, and rode a bike around the canal. When I got back to my hostel on Saturday night, I was ready to eat some fancy duck and then pack to leave for Tokyo the next morning.
However, the woman working at the desk in my hostel's lobby told me that "They" had called and someone on my plane actually had swine flu and "They" were coming to pick me up in less than an hour.
My first thought? RUN!
But then I realized running from the Chinese government never really works out for anyone. Also, I had promised my friends that I wouldn't end up in a Chinese prison. So I went to my room, packed my clothes and waited for "They" to come and get me.
To be continued . . .
